Oh what fresh Hell

A month has zoomed pass in my highly lackluster summer. Filled with trolling the hospital, breakdowns, days of solitude and family drama; though there were glimmering tidbits on the opportunity whereby I get to meet up with my friends, all be it very few and far apart. The sinking feeling of uncertainty often catches up to me, and most of the time, this feeling is faced with no moral support and feeling of ease. Then again, this is probably a biased opinion from an admitabbly high-maintainance immature prat.

"It's a long way down," A clever person once said to me, and as daunting as it sounds I think I ought to acknowledge my current state of purgatory. Granted the "biggest" problem has now been resolved, it's just a matter of me pulling myself through, easier said than done. In all honesty, if I even have or want to have a shred of self-respect left I need to succeed.

This summer, apart from being constantly sunny which I have been more accustomed to than I have in the past, strangely enough, there is one recurring theme in every corner I look, BABIES!!! Be it the two munchkins at home, the nieces and nephews who have for some unkown reason, singled me out to be bullied from the surplus of uncles and aunties that they have at their disposal. I can't stand them, and I even dare go as far as say if (and hopefully when) I succeed with my medical training I shall not be a paediatrician, I just lack the patience.

How am I sure? Well, when you think of any justifiable reason to smack, whack or just inflict misery on a baby as much as I do, then you know it's time to stay away. At times, I even resorted to having a screaming contest with my baby half-brother when he goes all berserk and cries to his heart's content. Sigh, does that make me a horrible person, possibly? maybe? fine. The world will always side a baby over a disgruntled 20 year old, methinks.

Watching: Nodame Cantabile. (Currently on a bit of an anime binge, surprisingly enough)

Listening: I Wanna Go - Britney Spears

Reading: My Lectures at a slow yet steady pace.

Say Hello to Goodbye

As another sleepless night is endured, my wandering mind runs wild with thoughts that does nothing less than push to me to the verge of depression. This is the usual result when you mix boredom and lack of sleep, a couple of years ago the effect of this unfortunate and rather disastrous combination lead me to a nihilistic mindset, of which I'm glad that I am rid off now. That was pretty bad, as usually I am just sarcastic, but add to that absolute cynicism to the whole idea of life, Oh boy.

This years one unfortunately have a rather more melancholic feel to it, and let me tell you there is not much that is as non-ideal as lacking sleep and feeling glum. My mind ponders on questions of relationships and friendships in particular. As a person, I'll be the first to admit that I am highly discontent, abrasive, aggressive and all-round bad person. Imagine my surprise to find myself in an overlapping circle of friends. Friends... hmmm surprised that I have any, seeing that I tend to prefer awkward silences over huge communal noise/conversations in large groups.

I am grateful that I do have these saint-like human beings who cope with my flaws, but there's one thing that I dread quite badly currently, and probably I am looking too far ahead but preparation is key. Separation is inevitable, that's a fact be it because of distance, time, strain or the ultimate that is death. It is far from our control, well at least that's my opinion. But looking ahead if I do pass my exam which have basically most of my life riding on it, and of which the results will be here soon, I have another 5 years to go (similar circumstances apply) and I've been forewarned, I'll be separated from those whom I lean on and thus I should prepare for this. My ever ingenious and manipulative brain has insisted on one method which is rather cruel to myself, though it might even be bad to my friends (me being slightly hopeful).

So as I see it, most of my friend will bugger off (meant in the nicest possible way) after three years ie two years from now and at the end of the successive year, I'll be virtually alone. I might be slightly overdramatising things but to the extent of point of view these are all true. Somehow from all this my brain has come up with a sort of "anti-social" shall I say method. It keeps telling me to cut off all forms of reliance or dependance on my friends, out of fear that rather losing them and be in agony, I'll be mentally prepared when that fateful day arrives. To make it clearer it seem like my brain is telling me to grab all my things and lead a solitary life.

Self Improvement

,There comes a time in life whereby things seem to have reach a certain sense of equilibrium and there is balance in one's life. Be it socially, mentally or even holistically but now and again things come and disrupt this fine balance and suddenly your world is in an upset. Now this leaves it up to the individual to determine how she/he would be on the flip-side.

Being content is a great thing, whereby nothing else seem to matter and life seem bearable and even enjoyable. Alas not all things are as what they appear, in a content state, we seem to be in a sense of comfort in our own skin, that it seems like what we do is insignificant and therefore could not possibly be of any effect.

This erronious view of ourselves impinges our growth and thus an upset in the balance where such feeling of content is felt is a necessary evil. Personally, I've felt like my life was in a sense 'complete' or at least the best it could be but something or rather someone served me up a platter of reality check and all I can do was slap myself in the face to wake me up and realise the errors in my ways. Granted it was not a smooth road to go on and even now I'm still hopefully improving, in every sense of the word.

Be it far from me to tell people how their lives should be lived, but in the whole scale of things, there is always room for improvement, it doesn't necessarily have to be huge changes but a change for the better should always be welcomed.

That's what I go to school for...

In the first three months of medical school I struggled ( a lot) and became annoyed and frustrated with the stuff that has been chucked at me. This is mainly because of the fact that we had to go through the nitty-gritty of it all which means anything that seem vaguely medic-y is either an underlying thing and occur very scarcely. But that was so... last term! Oh did I mention how lonely it is!

Now, This term has kick-started and I am starting to enjoy myself. How can I tell? I am feeling a lot less depressed and the stuff that the lecturers are presenting are now being treated more as pearls of wisdom by my brain rather than the ranting of maniacal academics who are shoving humongous amounts of information down my throat. It's highly probably due to the fact that there seem to be a lot more clinical utilisation to it all. Ah....Purpose.

Formative Exam. Well Let's Just Wait And See.

Lately I have witnessed 2 potential Oscar nominated (winning even, if I dare say so. I'm sorry I don't think the Social Network should win) movies and do admit I enjoyed both of them for different reasons; each having their own merits but I find myself preferring one to the other.The King's Speech and 127 Hours. The King's speech wins. Yes, in both cases it's not for everybody but if you enjoy a good film with stellar acting I recommended watching 'em both. King's speech- great spirit and ambiance, colourful characters and did I mention great acting namely Colin Firth, Geoffrey Rush and Helena Bonham-Carter, Peter Pettigrew as Winston Churchill was quite interesting though. 127 Hours- Great cinematography what would you expect from Danny Boyle, James Franco played the multi-faceted character brilliantly(Aron), though slow at parts, all in all it was liberating. Extra amusement when my friends who went along to watch the film cringe at the sight of self-amputation. Well, necessary evil.

Watching: Greek

Listening: Devotchka-How It Ends

Reading: FCA course guide.

I'm Pretty Sure I'm Doomed

One day left to cram about 70-ish lectures in my head. In the presence of my roomie who is currently in a worryingly groggy state trying to console me. I'm trying to stay calm and collected in order to allow even just a petty amount of information into my currently obstinate brain whose partially impervious to education and knowledge that has been exposed to me.

Today has been specially unproductive, I had a worrying headache which pretty much bound me to my bed as even the slightest movement will deal me with an imponderable confusion accompanied by a tad bit of pain and the joyous feeling of being nauseated.

Why did I have to procrastinate studying til such an alarming time?? "It's the rush!" he said sarcastically, but seriously I need put my head in the game or else I'll strike out and end up in the gutter.(sports pun)

You know the saying that a marathon is a war not a battle, I wonder if that analogy is also congruent to studying. I'm stuffed! Pants!

Watching: Little Mosque on The Prairie

Listening: The shrill sound of my phone charger.

Reading: Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire.

Oh Bugger!!

It's nearing the end of the first holiday of university and even though I'll be evaluated on my knowledge pretty soon, I haven't been bothered to look up, read, revise or even skim through the surplus of lecture slides which I am expected to digest and soon be required to regurgitate it all back. This is made even worse by the fact that it'll consist of the science aspect where I have to remember how cyanide kills, etc and then the humanities bit involving Sociology(cba!), epidi, clinical com and FCA. Well, wish me luck!

You'd expect me to reminisce about how great 2010 was and recall all of the triumphs that I enjoyed but that's rather self-indulgent so I'll proceed with something else. 2011 hmmmm... what am I expecting?, hopefully I wont need to re-sit (Amin), apparently I have a feckload of attachment work over the summer holidays which is always great (he said rather sarcastically) and hopefully if the stars align, I'll be able to travel(List so far: England, Wales, Spain, France and Scotland).

Oh and the house-hunt begins again. Due to the worry that I might be homeless in the next academic year, I'd have to start browsing for a house/flat. For me the factors that are involved in choosing a place are distance from college, availability of Halal food, availability of transport, cost and if it's not too much of an ask, a double bed would be greatly appreciated. The poor unfortunate person to have been struck to be fated as my housemate is Anwar (hope he won't kill me, well if my current roommate does not do it first).

Happy belated New Years!!

Watching: Catherine Tate's sketches

Listening: Beggin' -Madcon/Jersey Boys

Reading: The King's Speech

A Question Of Manning Up

In the past week, the weather in London have been quite gloomy. How the wind did blow, the rain did pour and the dull grey cloud did evoke a sense of melancholy, but I'm not here to give the weather report so let us move onwards to hopefully something more interesting.

Back in secondary school, I rejoiced in being busy, loved getting getting my hands dirty and all in all liked getting involved. Be it something that I am capable of and those which are my forte or those that I am ridiculously hopeless in and end up being there as a gesture of tokenism. In the first month of university, I did a 180. You'd be lucky to see me anywhere social as I have adopted the stereotypical asian maneuver of laying low and playing the role of the reclusive one. But last week something astonishing happen, a glimpse of my former life in my current routine.

There is two major problems that I have with university life; the large student population evident in one of my previous rants and the fact that the main time for societies and clubs are at night. So it was a bit of a surprise that I was out for 5 nights out 5 this weekdays. This is what happened:

Monday Night- Fresher's play dry run

Tuesday Night- University Challenge Pub Quiz

Wednesday Night- Chelsea v Fulham match

Thursday Night- Final fresher's play rehearsal

Friday Night- Fresher's play performance

Granted that the fresher's play is not too time consuming and the Chelsea match is not uni related (I recommend it to anyone, the atmosphere is amazing and it's more fun watching footy live though the profane language was a bit of cause to blush) and my team in pub quiz came second and didn't get to represent our faculty (though we got 4 quid tab on the bar so not too much of a loss). It's a good start I think. Start small then build up.

I met my patient this week and thats all the info that I wish to get into or can get into. Generally, I am a much happier bunny than I was last week.

Watching: Merlin

Listening: Like A G6-Far East Movement

Reading: TFL website.... so frustrated (Puts my shopping plan astray).